Mr. Right...Wing

How many of you have had an old boyfriend - from 28 years ago specifically - call you on the phone, out of the blue and tell you he’s never stopped thinking about you?  Well that happened to me.  I got a phone call early one morning, and hear a Texas twangy voice on the phone asking if he may speak to Dita.  

When he said who he was my immediate reaction was to yell in the phone, “Holy motherfucker!”  It just kind of slipped out of my potty mouth.  We talked a bit, caught up on each other’s lives in about 10 minutes.  He lived in Texas with his wife.  Yup, the guy is married.  And he has six kids.  Count them, six kids - his and hers - a real live Brady Bunch family. 

He said he quit smoking pot and found Jesus...and me on the internet.  Isn’t that the way it is?  Anyway, this was a guy, who when I was twenty one years old, broke my heart into a million pieces.  He told me he always felt that breaking up with me was the biggest mistake of his life.  Uh, yeah.

Way back then I was head over heels in love with this guy. We had so much fun together.  My mom hated his guts, which made me love him even more.  He had long blond hair and lived up in the mountains in a little cabin. I thought he was so cool.

Being so young and having such typical primal urges, he cheated on me with a sleazy bimbo.  He later married this trollop and had two kids with her.  I had heard that they moved to Texas, but I lost track of them and frankly never gave him another thought once I got married. 

Back to the phone call.  It felt like he was in some sort of a 12 step program for bad relationships and wanted to make amends.  It was nice catching up and told him that if he was ever in town to give me a call.  I gave him my cell phone number and he asked for my email address too.  He then gave me his number which I actually never wrote down.  I figured I’d never hear from him again.

But, of course I did hear from him again.  He sent me a text within a couple of weeks telling me that he was going to be in town.  He wanted to meet for a drink.  He said he had to see me.  I told him I was a big fat ogre and didn’t look like I did when I was 21.  He said he didn’t care and just had to see me. 

I had to think about it a while.  It was all a little too weird.  After all these years he HAD to see me?  Did he turn into some kind of crazy stalker, psycho, panty stealing freak?  OR was he just a middle aged guy going through a bit of a mid-life crisis and needed to see if his winky still worked? 

I’m guessing the latter and I decided meet him, talk to him, flaunt it in front of him and then say goodbye.  I wanted him to see that he walked away from this queen!  We made plans to meet for dinner and drinks.

Seriously, I was curious.  He was a little hottie back in the day and I was convinced that he was now grossly over weight and bald.  Then it occurred to me, what if he’s still hot and he sees me as the chunky middle aged mom that I am?  I have frizzy hair, wear big dorky glasses and am twice the size I used to be.  Crap.  I didn’t think it through long enough.

Well, the hair gods were totally with me the night we met because both Farrah Fawcett and Jennifer Aniston would have been jealous of my gorgeous locks. Of course I wore all black because black is slimming, right?  And then I did something so ridiculous I can’t believe I did it. I borrowed a pair of my daughter’s contact lenses because I didn’t want him to see me in my giant cat eye glasses. We have totally different prescriptions, so I was basically driving to the restaurant blind. 

I made it to the restaurant without getting into an accident.  I sat in my car a while, took a deep breath and walked into the restaurant.  As soon as I walked through the door I swear I saw Daniel Craig sitting there smiling.  I didn’t need my big old glasses to see that this crazy handsome man was my old boyfriend. 

What the hell was I getting myself into?